Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Reflecting on Feelings

[We had a great ride back from Florida (avoiding all the storms) and returned late Saturday to the farm.  We had to do dialysis on Sunday morning and missed church (thankfully God is an understanding God)]. 

On Monday night we saw the animated film, "Up."  I am somewhat embarassed to reveal to you that while watching this movie I was reduced to tears at least two times -- and it was a cartoon!

So what's going on?  What emotionally hit me was the time when the man lost his wife -- familiar fears?  Of course.  The second was when he was reading her diary and it ended with her saying that the adventures they had shared together were wonderful and now it was time for him to continue another adventure.  He, of course, could not see that and it took a little boy to help him go on another adventure -- this time to take his home, surrounded by urban construction, to South America via an enormous balloon bunch!

What I came to understand is that Sabine's cancer diagnosis is still right there -- still a deep fear of her death and how I will be able to go on (after all, we are still having a great adventure together -- but like all of our adventures and realtionships, they will one day end!).

While on vacation, I finished Stephen Levine's book, "A Year to Live," and it, again, highlighted the importance of living each day fully -- breathing in life with each breath, of savoring it, and then the next breath... tasting and savoring it as well.

I know I am deeply fearful of Sabine's death and my own ability to surmount the deep pain and loss it will trigger.  But I still sense God is in this with me and somehow, I will and can go on -- somehow. 

In the meantime, each day with her is a blessing and as I write this I find I must quickly stop or short-circuit my keyboard which is very sensitive to beign immersed in water.

Blessings, my friends -- embrace the journey!

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