The Weekend and the Knowledge

It was a tough weekend. Leaving St Peter's was just as excruciatingly painful as leaving St John's was. Parish ministry is a self-giving journey -- the more you give, the more you get, and, at the end, the more you suffer the pain of departure.

It was a restless weekend for both of us. This morning we begin our second round of chemotherapy (Velcade+dexamethasone), dialysis and the usual appointments. Sabine has found some help in using "guided imagery;" not only the relaxation and stress-reduction elements of it, but also its healing capacity as a form of centering prayer.

As I process all of this ahead of us, I am comforted by many of the wisdom teachings of Buddhism. (Many of you know I have a number of close friends who practice the dharma.) And what I have found helpful is the concepts: mindfulness, illusion, detachment, and suffering. None of these ancient wisdom teachings were, of course, unknown to Jesus and the apostles.

So this journey with Sabine has to be one of the strangest spiritual experiences I have ever had.

It goes something like this: Within this most terrible and frightening time in my whole life I have this experience of God. Not like the God I used to know... a God that I thought required some structured "something" in my spiritual life of pursuing, seeking and getting to know that God, but rather a deeper, more knowable, and everlasting God.

I now have this experience of being covered, surrounded, even engulfed or immersed by that God. I sense God's presence daily, hourly, even this minute. It is the "lovingkindness," "steadfast love" of the Bible -- I believe the Hebrew word is "hesed." And it is eternal and everlasting!

So I go about my day with this strengthening -- this deeper knowing -- some even call "hesed" the "generous, gracious masculine side of God." Now I don't know if this is somehow a gender-related feeling or not, but what I do know (like the blind man whom Jesus gave sight to in John 9: in the gospel reading for the 4th Sunday of Lent) is that this has happened.

And like the blind man in the story told the authorities: "One thing I do know, that though I was blind, now I see." I can with confidence also say, "One thing I do know, that though I often felt distant from God or not worthy, now I don't!"

So within this terrible event in our lives, God did not distance God's self from us, nor did we run away. It was sort of a stare-down with God for me and God won my heart again by an even deeper revelation of God's self.

Keep us within your thoughts and prayers -- we both feel bouyed up by them!

May each one of you, too, be blessed on your journey -- it may not take you to where you have planned, but a journey it still is and it can be a journey filled with God!

Leaving St Peter's

After our consult with Dr Sheehan this week, it became obvious to both of us that we have conserve our energy and outside activities. We have, as they say, "a long row to hoe!"

With Sabine's immune system compromised by this disease and always the possibility of the disease flaring up someplace else in her body, I had to deeply pray and think about how I was going to focus as her caregiver.

So with a very sad heart (and there were many tears about this decision) we will have to take leave of my pastoral and priestly duties. While we may change our roles as "priest and parishioner" we will always be loving friends together!

My decision was effective today (March 8th) as I met with Andy and members of the vestry at Kathy and Andy's home near North Lake this morning.

We know you all will understand -- but that doesn't lessen the pain of this decision. We have spent over three years wonderful years with you -- and you have been a wonderful parish in which to serve and lead.

Many of you have followed our weblog over the months and know of my love of poetry and how I have been able to express myself through poetry when prose seemed to be difficult and cumbersome. So please permit me to share with you what I am feeling about all this through the following poem I wrote to Sabine:

i feel the pull
that choice we men must make
the choice between
love and career
between
work and life with our beloved
to be a stay at home dad
to say no to a transfer
to turn down the promotion
we both laughed
when i said i wanted to be
chief of the world
if not perhaps then
a bishop
but within my joking
lies a bit of truth
such things tear and form we men
(and not surprising
some women today as well)
and now later in my years
the old pull comes again
i know it so well that we are old friends
at three score and ten
the pull between
family and career still raises its
ugly head
do i spend the rest of my life
caring for you?
or caring for others?
it’s still a choice
i feel the pull
but it doesn’t win
it’s not strong enough
to pull me
away from you
this old dog has learned
a trick or two

Cottage Finished!

The guy from Don's Applicance in Dodgeville stopped by today and setup all the appliances -- so we have a refrigerator, stove, dishwasher, and clothes washer and dryer!

Look who's in the window!!

Cottage Finished!

Wednesday's Consult

I am sorry I didn't get a post out yesterday afternoon. I think the anxiety of that visit was a little tiring (to say the least!).

After dialysis yesterday we met with Dr Sheehan at the Cancer Clinic. We received some very good news. Sabine's echo-cardiogram was clear as were her liver tests -- no sign of those nasty myeloma cells causing problems there like they did to her kidneys.

And then another good set of news -- the first round of the Velacade + dexamethasone chemotherapy was very successful and reduced the number of the "light chains" by 80%!

We now go into our second round of the Velcade/dexamethasone starting next Monday after dialysis and we continue two weekly infusions (Monday and Thursday) for another two week cycle followed by blood tests, a week off, and then most likely into our third cycle. We could be doing this up to eight two week cycles.

In the meantime, we are working with nutrition and some mind-body folks about relaxation, stress-reduction and "healing imaging." All this, along with prayer, acceptance and an openness to the work of God's Spirit will be our task during the coming months.

Dr Sheehan remarked that given Sabine's overall good health up until the kidney failure, we should have some good years ahead -- music to my ears!

Final Steps at the Cottage

This is a good morning to think about something other than meeting with Sabine's oncologist at noon... So, I will write about activities at the cottage rather than get anxious about the consultation. By the way, Sabine and I have written down some questions we need to get answered about her treatment plan and will be prepared to leave a copy with Dr Sheehan.

So, here's what has, is, and will be going on at the cottage:

John Viner from the Aikido club and energy consultant came on Saturday and we checked the cottage out for air-leaks and drafts. The machine he has literally creates a vacuum within the house and then John runs around with an infra-red meter and looks for the leaks! (I think we passed!).

Yesterday, the St Peter's All-Inclusive and Ever-Vigilant Energy team arrived bright and early and pumped 1800 cubic feet of insulation into the attic of the cottage -- it went pretty smooth!

You see in the picture Jr. Warden and Chief Inspector of the Waukesha County Sheriff's Dept. doing what he does best -- stuffing things into a system of hot air (just kidding, Steve!).

Peter is looking out the window to get Steve to hurry up even though he is sorely limping from a recent basketball injury.


And in the dusty attic, you can barely see Dave Claude in the far reaches as he holds the spray nozzle (I think Peter is giving orders!).

Tomorrow the folks from Don's Appliance in Dodgeville are coming to set up the stove, washer and dryer, refrigerator, and dishwasher. After that, it will just be a few odds and ends and then, with Kurt's okay, I will call for a final inspection from the Village. Whew! Needless to say, we couldn't have done it without all of you pitching in as you did. Thanks again!

This afternoon I will send out another blog for the day after our meeting at the Cancer Clinic.

Until then keep us in prayer,

David and Sabine

Report from the Rest Area

Our first week without chemotherapy has been real "r&r" -- rest and relaxation. Tomorrow we have the echo cardiogram and then a consult with our oncologist, Dr Sheehan, on Wednesday.

Not letting my mind wander too far into next week and the weeks beyond, I wrote this poem...






this week
we rested
like a quenched blade
quiet after days into weeks
forging folding pounding
forging folding pounding
we fuzed
those years we were
together yet apart
but never too far away
we are now
the samurai's blade
an amalgamation
forged by trial
only those
who meet the edge
know
the uniqueness
and the grace
of the cut